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Out of the Frying Pan.. by A.Judith

Out of the Frying Pan -- Into the Fire:
Dysfunctional Families and Group Energy

by Anodea Judith

The human force behind the New Age Movement is made of people who, for better or worse, are survivors of the previous generation's child-rearing philosophies. This is nothing new: every generation has had its legacy of cultural mores to plough through, outgrow and transform. Within the family, a semi-isolated and barely conscious evolutionary unit, this happens slowly and painfully.

However, the evolutionary thrust of the New Age movement seems to be removing itself from the traps of family dynamics through group activity, such as men's groups, women's groups, environmental groups, parent's groups, magical groups, newsletter groups, 12-step groups of every kind. Through the support of our peers we venture into the unknown, challenge the assumptions of our inherited legacy, and try to create and embody a more productive life plan.

There is a certain "fallout" from this transition. While the effects of a long-standing tradition of dysfunction are being removed from the family situation, they are being insinuated into our group situations. Let us examine the way that we, as individuals, sabotage the work we are doing by recreating our dysfunctional family patterns in our present group activities.

Dynamics from our family of origin will be played out in subsequent family situations. Many groups are designed specifically to offset this process, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics. Because of this focus and because of "generational bonding" (common values), such groups are expected to be immune to these dysfunctional patterns and provide a safe place for us to go through our personal transitions. Thus we often fail to see these patterns when they do occur. Working with other survivors of dysfunctional families, our own neurotic patterns fit like hand in glove with those of our co-workers. We may be aware of our authority issues when dealing with a parent figure, but we are blind to them when it comes to friends of our own generation and shared belief systems.

First, what do we mean by "dysfunctional family"?

A dysfunctional family is a group energy system which either fails to perform its intended function or is dependent upon --harmful or counter-productive methods in -order to function. It's a system that doesn't work very well or one that hurts the people in it Counter-productive actions are repeated again and again until they become an intrinsic part of the system because the overall functioning of the system becomes more important than the means.

A family's purpose can be seen as the living, sharing, nourishing and development of life. When this purpose is no longer fulfilled, as when making a living or caring for children becomes immersed in addictions, lies, violence, or personal manipulation, yet still continues, that system has become dysfunctional. If Dad's drinking or abusing Mom allows him to continue working at his meaningless job, on which the family is dependent, then this behaviour becomes accepted as part of the family system. Because the child is born into it, the family's method of functioning is seen as "normal." This form of dysfunctionality is shrouded in non-communication, alienation, fear, denial and anger which, while shared by all, is not permissible to express.

These feelings get channelled into standardised behaviour patterns designed to keep the ailing system functioning as smoothly as it can under the circumstances. The patterns become second nature, part of our basic survival mechanisms which we carry through into all our subsequent situations.

Non-communication and secrecy

Because dysfunctional families believe they are dependent upon their patterns to survive, it becomes the unwritten rule not to talk about feelings. It only brings up pain, which the family feels is unsolvable. When dysfunction occurs in a subsequent group there is the same tendency to avoid speaking about it and the same feeling of futility about being able to change anything. This may make us want to drop out of the group, blame everyone else, and do almost anything but communicate.

Anger and fear

As a result of the lack of communication, the child is left with a constant level of anger and fear, which becomes normal and is later exacerbated by any situation which threatens to mimic the original.

When you have a group of people who carry left over anger, that anger gets triggered easily, making the group a potentially volatile medium. The anger may or may not be justified in the present circumstance, but likely as not the vehemence of the anger is greater than the situation deserves because it is in part a carryover from childhood. The force or frequency of the anger may obscure its rightful cause and the end result is frustration for all concerned.

Competition

The dysfunctional family operates within a model of scarcity -- that there is a limited amount of love, time, money, food, clothing, safety, etc. The members of the family learn that all of these things must be earned through competition. Rather than developing means of working together, family members pit themselves against each other. Competitiveness exacerbates all of the problems listed here and is easy to spot in group situations. As we strive towards collectivity, competition polarity undermines our more benevolent ideologies. Group members may feel like they don't get enough time or appreciation (usually true) or feel they have to compete with each other to get a word in edgewise, to perform as well as others or to jockey for a power position.

Unequal power structures

Most dysfunctional families of the previous generation operated within the Patriarchal Power Model: the father had the most power, the mother was dependent upon him, and the children dependent upon her. Her powerlessness with regard to her husband was compensated for through her power over her children. The children were powerless against their parents and sought to make pecking orders among themselves and their peers. Because we learned to operate within unequal power structures we are often incapable of perceiving anything other. We either believe these dynamics are in play when they are not, or we strive to create them by our own actions so that we may remain in familiar realms. One-down or one-up power positions may be familiar -- equality may not be. In the familiar our roles are defined; in new territory, we have to feel our way, and feeling our way is what we once learned not to do.

Dependence

Because no one was allowed their own power for fear they might rock the fragile boat, what developed was the shadow of power -- dependence. Each member of the system became dependent upon people and behaviours they didn't feel good about This manifests later in people being terrified to let go of destructive patterns, behaviour which may seem baffling to an outsider.

Guilt and shame

All the previous qualities, especially the latter one, result in individuals within the system feeling an indefinable sense of guilt and shame. Powerless, dependent, fearful and angry, the emotions are funnelled into the subconscious through secrecy. The end feeling is one of malaise, low self-esteem and lack of trust, with an underlayer of shame.

Lack of trust

is the end result and continuing state of the dysfunctional family survivor. It both causes and increases all of the above.

Roles within the family

In addition to these characteristics, members of dysfunctional family systems resort to taking on roles within the family that allow the system to be tolerable. These roles are played right through adulthood and are especially prominent in group situations.

The Good Child

tries to transcend the malaise of the environment by behaving like an angel. The Good Child takes on adult responsibility at a young age, strives to excel at everything, takes on other people's problems and generally compensates for feelings of inferiority with a drive to accomplish and prove themselves. When this takes the form of parenting younger children, the child becomes "parentified" and plays out the "higher-powered" parent role in later relationships. In group situations, the Good Child takes on too much responsibility, disallowing the empowerment of others. They run things, but without much joy or satisfaction. The Good Child can get self-righteous or persecutory if they are feeling unappreciated.

The Problem Child

is the circuit breaker for the wiring of the family dynamics. The Problem Child (in therapy, often the "identified patient") does poorly in school, gets into trouble, turns to drugs, gets pregnant or otherwise causes problems that take focus away from the family problems. The child does not do this consciously, but is driven by her own intolerable sensitivity. In group situations the Problem Member role may dance among a few people. They are often in crisis, which distracts the group from moving forward. There is more permission to leave in a group than there is in a family, and the Problem Child may do just that Then the group may then find that problems suddenly pop up in another member. This is also true for:

The Scapegoat

If the Problem Child does not leave, they may serve another function in the system: the Scapegoat. The Scapegoat (not always synonymous with the Problem Child) is the one who gets the blame for the dysfunctional system. ("Johnny causes such problems, I can't get anything done.") The group itself is rarely able to perceive that their whole way of functioning is ailing and instead puts all their anger into scapegoating, which, of course, increases the problems.

The Scapegoat may be the newest group member, the group leader, the editor of a newsletter, or the one who generally has the most problems with the group process. Like the Problem Child, they may choose to leave; but another person will quickly become the Scapegoat in their place.

The Clown

keeps himself and the family distracted by playing the entertainer. The Clown denies that there is any problem, gets attention for himself through bringing some joviality into a grim situation, and keeps the emotional pain at a tolerable level. Later in life the Clown is still distracting group process, often getting strokes for it because they do alleviate a dreary situation, yet they prevent true work from being accomplished. They're the ones we can't live with, and can't live without.

The Fixer

Sometimes the same as the Good Child, the Fixer is constantly trying to smooth things out. They become a Co-dependent -- one who is fixated on solving others' problems in a way that ignores their own and allows the others to continue in self-destructive behaviour. No group would be complete without them, they are often seen as the group's saviour, yet their fixing is more like an aspirin than a cure.

The Ghost

is the Hidden One, the child who tries to make himself as inconspicuous as possible, is withdrawn, never asks for anything for himself, is neither seen nor heard, and is often confused with the Good Child, except he is not competitive. This type of person is less likely to join groups, but if they do, they are quiet and unobtrusive, or they may do their disappearing act after they have volunteered for something.

Considering the family as a whole

The patterns that occur are as many and varied as the people we are. The mistake comes from focusing too much on the individual roles, and failing to see the dynamics of the system as a whole. We can focus on the plight of the poor Scapegoat, or the burden on the Fixer, but we tend to focus on an individual, through the lens of our own roles, instead of learning to think as a system.

In a family or group system, everything affects everything else. Scapegoat or Clown, Leader or Ghost, the whole system is affected by each action and presence (or absence). Those who obviously have power are no more important than those who appear to have less power, and all have equal ability to topple the system. To think systemically we need to step back, look at what the group is trying to accomplish, what roles are necessary to accomplish this goal, and how those roles compare with the current ones being played out.

What is your group's purpose? Can you get it down to a few words? Does everyone in the group agree on the purpose? Is your purpose multiple? (If so, each purpose may dictate different roles.) Or is the group trying to achieve a secondary purpose that is unstated, such as a group whose purpose is working magic while also trying to act as a support group? Does it work or does it put the group at cross-purposes? Is your personal reason for being in the group in keeping with its collective purpose?

Starhawk, in Truth or Dare, describes four main types of groups; intimate groups, whose purpose is "being,;" task groups, whose purpose is "doing; support groups, whose purpose is "changing;" and learning,, groups whose purpose is "education. Purposes may overlap, but when they get crossed, such as learning groups who try to make people change, there may be some covert manipulation going on to which members have not all agreed.

What are the needs of the group as a whole compared to needs of the individuals within the group? The group may have financial pressure which creates a need to get things done quickly. efficiently and professionally in order to continue its purpose. Individuals within the group may have a need for intimacy or creativity which cannot be met within the group without changing the group function. Members who share this need can get together or start a subgroup rather than undermine the stated purpose.

What is your role in the group. both officially and non-officially? Is this the role you want? Is it the same role you played as a child?

What are the roles of some of the other members? How did they get these roles and how do they feel about it? (Ask, don't assume.)

How is power handled/distributed? Living in a society that has, by and large, unhealthy power models, the handling of power within a group is often the basis for conflict Our first experiences of power were in relationship to our parents and teachers. If this was negative it will affect how we behave when in a position of power ourselves or how we respond to those who are in powerful or leadership positions. Ideally power and leadership should not be synonymous, though it is often hard for people, no matter what their role, to remember that leadership, because of its parental overtones, is a touchy issue in groups.

Again, to quote Starhawk: "Two basic myths exist about leadership. The first is that someone must always be in charge or nothing will get done. The second is that leadership is always oppressive. Although both myths contain kernels of truth, each is based on an essential confusion between power-over and power-with."

There are many questions to ask about leadership within a group. Is it necessary? If not, what models would work better? If so, are the leaders responsible in their positions: do they reflect the needs of the group and accomplish the purpose? Is their leadership recognised? Are they respected or resented by the group?

The leaders usually receive the parental projections of the group members. For those who were abused by their parents' authority much anger may be projected against the leaders or founders of a group, undermining their ability to do their job. This may also prevent leaders from emerging, which can leave the group floundering without direction. Watch for competition and lack of trust in such dynamics.

For those who act in the role of leaders, internalised family dynamics may lead to an abuse of their power. Their only model may have been power-over. This may be entirely unconscious, in which case effective communication and feedback from the group needs to be offered and received. Internalised shame may make the group leader need a lot of encouragement, while the group may be resisting a projected power-over situation instead and undermine the leader's confidence.

Are the same people always the leaders? Is this appropriate or can the roles be rotated?

The other end of the spectrum from leaders, who have usually been in the group a long time, are the newcomers. Newcomers run the greatest risk of becoming the Scapegoat, because they are the least incorporated into the system and the least knowledgeable about its unspoken rules and agreements. Newcomers and leaders alike get the largest doses of tack of trust and often have their competitive urges triggered by having to prove themselves. If and when they do prove themselves, the role is then defined and the next step is dependence upon that role.

Variation in dynamics in family and group situations is endless. Being conscious of these dynamics goes a long way towards avoiding traps. Understanding your own family dynamics is invaluable, as communicating current group dynamics (as you perceive them) is essential.

The best way to avoid roles is, ironically, to assign them. A consultant is a Fixer, but recognised, respected, and usually paid for their position. The Ghost who watches everything and says little can be sought out and given a role as a vibes-watcher. The Clown can be given special time for entertainment and group diversion-time where they can get strokes for their humour, and the group can be treated to an enjoyable break. The Problem Child can be given the role of problem solver, thus taking the focus off them and onto the group, wherein the dysfunction lies anyway. The competitive Good Child can be given a reward for their good work by asking them to help newcomers or people who are struggling in the group. The Scapegoat can be put in an honoured position where they have no responsibility and then the next time something goes wrong, it can't be their fault! (Though in truth, the only real way to absolve the Scapegoat is for group members to deal with their own shadows.)

Another common maelstrom of dysfunctionality arises along the compliment/criticism continuum. Do you remember what it felt like when your parents jumped on you for what you did wrong, yet failed to show an equal but opposite reaction over your accomplishments? Unfortunately, I have seen this dynamic repeated in almost every group, and the effects are the same: alienation, lack of enthusiasm, and resentment. Having clear roles can help this process, because we know what our job is, what it takes to do it well, and can receive appropriate recognition when it is done well.

It is also important for the group to give itself strokes as an entity when it has done something well. A feeling of pride in the system makes co-operating with the system a joy instead of a burden.

To make this occur more often, keep your group's goals realistic so that they can be achieved. In our group we tend to have long agendas for meetings that drag us all down and leave us feeling inadequate if we don't get through it all, burned out if we do. When we have shorter agendas we finish our work and still have time for socialising. We get a feeling of accomplishment and a sense of entitlement to the pleasure of visiting afterward.

Having "non-work" time is replenishing to group energy. Our coven schedules socials once a month in addition to our magical workings. In the Church of All Worlds, non-work time makes us remember why it is we work so hard or put up with this crazy family. It gives us fuel for our work and our vision and the love and bonding to get through the difficult parts when they arise.

The most important thing to work on is ourselves. When is our behaviour a carryover from our family situation? What can we do about that when it does happen? How can we communicate across that gap? How do we manipulate the system to meet our personal needs?

And lastly, to remember that the group is a system and must be viewed as a whole. How do we accomplish our tasks? Do we use the same methods over and over even when they don't work? What did we do right when things did work? For example, when our group examined what we had done well or enjoyed most, we found that those were projects that had a defined leader who was supported and accepted by the group. That was very enlightening for us because we always tried to avoid having leaders. Since then we have taken to assigning definite roles for various projects and we find things go more smoothly.

And if, Gods forbid, someone in the group does foul things up, it is always helpful to look at their behaviour in view of the group dynamics. Were they given adequate instruction, tools, encouragement, communication, time to accomplish their task? The group system should be suspect before the individual is criticised. And if the problem cannot be found in the group dynamics, ask the individual. They will probably tell you very quickly where the system is flawed. And wouldn't it be nice if their criticism was coupled with appreciation?

Recommended reading:

Bradshaw, John The Family: a revolutionary way of self-discovery Pompano Beach, FL: Health Communications, 1988.

Starhawk, Truth or Dare: encounters with power, authority, and mystery San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1987.

Introduction to the Sabbats by Mike Nichols

Introduction to
THE SABBATS
by Mike Nichols

Thank you for the days,
Those endless days, those sacred days you gave me.
I�m thinking of the days,
I won�t forget a single day, believe me.
�The Kinks, "Days" (Ray Davies)

The most important thing to understand about the eight Witchcraft Sabbats is that they are not man-made. By this, I mean that they are not holidays in the same way that Independence Day is a holiday, i.e., a calendar anniversary of some date that has a special importance in history. Indeed, the Sabbats of Witchcraft do not commemorate any historical event and are, as we shall see, almost antithetical to the concept of history. Nor are they randomly chosen holidays to observe some social institution, such as Mother�s Day. No, the eight Sabbats of Witchcraft were not man-made because they existed long before man was made. Or woman. Or the dinosaurs. Or life on this planet. Indeed, these eight holidays might be said to be as old as the Earth itself. They might not have been called �Sabbats� then, but they were there just the same.

The reason these holidays are so old is because they are a basic part of how the Earth works. Consequently, these holidays are not of history; they are of nature. You see, we happen to live on a beautiful blue-green planet that spins on its axis. And that axis is tilted, slightly, to the plane of the Earth�s orbit around the sun. The practical upshot of all this is that once a year, we have a night that is the longest night of the year, accompanied by the shortest day. When the hours between sundown and sunup are the greatest, and the hours between sunup and sundown are least. And we call this time the �winter solstice�. And exactly opposite it on the wheel of the year, we have its opposite, the longest day of the year, and the shortest night. And we call this time the �summer solstice�.

And having got this far in our analysis of the planet�s yearly cycle, it becomes easy to spot two more days that are similar and equally important. Each spring, there comes a day when the hours between sunrise and sunset are exactly equal to the hours between sunset and sunrise. And we call this the �vernal equinox�. Likewise, there comes a day each fall when the hours of darkness and the hours of daylight are exactly in balance. And we call this the �autumnal equinox�. It cannot be overstressed that the importance of these four days lies in the fact that nobody �made them up�; rather, they are simply a part of how this planet works.

It is reasonable to assume that even the most primitive of humans noticed this change in the hours of daylight, and the consequent change in the seasons. One can well imagine the anxiety in the mind of the �noble savage� as he witnessed the dwindling hours of daylight each autumn. And the sense of relief he must have felt when the year �turned the corner� at the winter solstice, and the days started to grow longer again, promising that spring would indeed return. Is it any wonder then that the oldest astronomical alignment of which we have a record points to the sun�s position in the sky on the winter solstice? And this is in a burial mound in Co. Meath, Ireland.

In fact, the relatively new science of archaeoastronomy underlies much of what has been discovered about the Old Holidays. Megalithic sites such as Stonehenge, for example, have clear alignments to both the summer and winter solstice, and the vernal and autumnal equinox. Nor are such alignments confined to the British Isles; indeed they can be found the world over: from the pyramids of ancient Egypt to the ancient temples of China; from the cliff dwellings of the Anasazi to the temples of Peru. The two solstices and two equinoxes must certainly be the oldest holidays known to humans, and they were known worldwide. Folklorists refer to these four days as the �quarter days�, inasmuch as they quarter the year. Astrologers know them, too, for three zodiac signs fit neatly into each quadrant, beginning with the first day of Aries at the vernal equinox. And modern Witches tend to call them the four �Lesser Sabbats� or �Low Holidays�.

The four �Greater Sabbats� or �High Holidays� of the Witches� calendar may seem slightly less obvious at first. Essentially, they bisect the quarters we have already discussed, falling at the midpoint of each. For this reason, folklorists refer to them as the �cross-quarter days�. With these in place, the circle of the year begins to look like an eight-spoked wheel, which is a sacred symbol in many ancient religions. Because these four days are not as firmly marked by terrestrial events as the solstices and equinoxes, some writers have been led to speculate that they are derivative, and that their observation evolved at a much later stage of cultural evolution. Yet, although they may not be completely contemporaneous, their great antiquity was quite recently underscored by the discovery in Ireland of earthwork alignments of the sun�s position on the horizon for each of the cross-quarter days! That means that the holiday we today call �Halloween� has been celebrated as far back as megalithic times!

That the cross-quarter days should be regarded as more important than the solstices or equinoxes should come as no surprise. It is a common human experience that things reach their greatest strength, their moment of peak energy, at their midpoint. In observing a human life, for example, a person is usually at the apex of health and vigor at a point about halfway through his mortality. So, too, with most other things in nature. So, too, with each quarter of the year. The cross-quarter days can thus be seen as the four �power points� of the year. Consequently, those power points were marked by the four most important holidays of the Witches� year which, according to the old folk calendar, also marked the turning of the seasons. These also correspond with the tetramorph figures of the zodiac, and were later adopted by Christian tradition as the sigils of the four Gospel writers.

Whenever I am asked what things make a Witch�s worldview different from other people�s, one of the first things I think about is the Witch�s sensitivity to the cycles of nature, especially the cycles of the moon and sun. In our modern world, insulated as we are from the progress of the seasons, we can go to the local supermarket and buy veggies and fruit year round, without consideration of what is �in season�. Still, a Witch can usually tell you where she is in the course of the year, or what phase the moon is in. (Incidentally, the word �Sabbat� was originally Babylonian and was used to designate the quarter days of the lunar cycle�full, new, first and last quarter�thus occurring about every seven days. It was only later that the ancient Hebrew people borrowed the word and used it to denote a day of rest and prayer, occurring every seventh day without exception.)

And nothing can keep a modern Witch in tune with the cycles of nature like observing the Old Holidays. I can still remember the feeling I sometimes got as a child that a particular night during the year was somehow special, charged with magic and power, alive and responsive to my inner thoughts and desires. Like Halloween night (always my favorite holiday) in some ways, but different too, and occurring at other points of the year. I never knew why such nights occurred, but I knew they had to be celebrated, by placing candles on the front porch railings, creating mysterious shadow plays where the light of an old incandescent street lamp fell on the side of the garage, or playing hide-and-seek with the neighborhood kids, the wind helping my running. Or maybe an impromptu weenie roast (always a good excuse for building a big bonfire) was called for. I can�t prove it, of course, because I didn�t keep a diary, but I�d be almost willing to bet that I had stumbled onto the Old Holidays, vestiges of their primordial power still echoing down through the centuries.

Finding out more about these ancient holy days has been a lifelong labor of love for me, and I sincerely hope that the gleanings of my own research into these mysteries will kindle in my readers that same sense of magic and grounding or �connectedness� with nature that I have always experienced when contemplating the Old Holidays.

Choosing a Coven, by Judy Harrow

Choosing a Coven

There are many ways to honor Nature in our lives. Some of us participate in Pagan rites because there we find nurturance, guidance, and community with like-minded others. An artist, a doctor, a teacher, a technician - the work they do is real, and very necessary, but our religion is not its primary focus. Pagan worship helps them stay attuned with Sacred Source, with the rhythms of Earth and Moon, with the life-affirming values of polytheistic, Immanence-based religion. These are the Pagan laity, gathering again as our faith emerges from its long dormancy.

Others of us find in Witchcraft (or Asatru, Druidry, or several other Pagan orders) our authentic life's work, our art form. Although Witches, by Tradition, earn our livings elsewhere, we dedicate much of our free time and energy to our Craft. We are not better, holier, or even necessarily more devoted to the Gods; but here is where our talents, and our delight, seem to lie. This is our way of making a difference in the world: Witches heal.

In our observation, people often spend some time exploring the community, reading, attending public circles or festivals. For some, this exploration fosters a hunger. They wish to study more formally, explore more deeply, prepare for Initiation into the priesthood of the Goddess. You may be one of them.

Perhaps you've followed the Old Ways for some time now, and want to go further along this Path, to deepen your experience of Pagan nature mysticism. You may believe you have the necessary talents and temperaments, and wish to use those endowments to serve the people and the Gods as a Witch and priest/ess. What next? Most of us seek formal coven training, hoping to find guidance from experienced elders and companions along the Path.

What covens can and cannot do for their students

Magical and spiritual power comes only from the Gods.
The knowledge and skill you need to use that power effectively come from your own hard work. Coven training is the easiest and safest way to learn and to practice in a supportive context. Alternatively, you might seek individual training from an elder you respect. Be aware that the best training system accomplishes nothing unless you actually do the work. And there certainly are skilled and empowered Witches who are solitary and completely self-trained.
Credentials come from other people. If community recognition is important to you, you should join a coven that is part of a lineage, one whose elders have traditional religious authority to bring others into that collective. If legal clergy status matters, look for a group that is affiliated with one of the duly incorporated organizations like Covenant of the Goddess. Of course, one coven can convey both types of credential -- as Proteus Coven does.

Be mindful, though, that power, skill, and credentials are three entirely separate things. No one of them can substitute for either of the others, nor prove that either of the others is also present.

Coven Shopping: finding a place to root yourself and grow

If you choose to seek formal training, look for competent training from experienced elders who are authentically spiritual in the context of a functional coven. Remember that you have a choice. Ours is one of the fastest growing religions on this continent. There are many more covens than there were, even ten years ago. Most of these covens make themselves accessible to sincere seekers. As a result, potential students can "shop around," for the best possible coven, the best possible match.

As always, people who have options are responsible for the choices they make. Be thoughtful and careful. Ask for the guidance of the Gods and listen for the still small voice that carries Their response. The quality of your experience depends on the choices you make now.

Here are some things to look for:

People you can respect, trust and love.
Good people. How could anyone be spiritual without being at least honest and kind?
Authentic people - people who seem to live in accordance with the values they espouse. If they claim to be able to teach you Nature spirituality, do they live lightly on the Earth? If they claim to be able to teach you magic, do they seem to be grounded, centered and empowered?
Competent people - people who seem knowledgeable and skilled, people who are organized, who keep their appointments and are well-prepared for their classes.
People who listen. People who ask the kinds of questions that encourage you to explore your own spirituality and your own ideas and feelings about traditional lore. People who are genuinely open to learning from their students, as well as teaching them.
People who will respect your confidences. People who will neither gossip nor use information you share to manipulate or hurt you.

and some things to avoid:

Authoritarians - stay away from anyone who tries to censor your reading or to isolate you from family or friends. Beware of those who get irritated when you ask challenging questions. Be even more wary of anyone who, when you ask a difficult question, either ridicules you or patronizes you ("let your elders worry about that one, dear, your job right now is just to learn what we teach."). If anybody tries to forbid you to express your opinions in the presence of your elders, run screaming out the door. (all these things have happened)
Sexual predators - unfortunately a few of these creeps infest every religion. If somebody tells you that your magical or spiritual advancement depends on your giving them what they want, first spit in their eye, then get away fast.
Hypocrites - those who say they love Mother Earth, and live carelessly and wastefully, those who say they love the Goddess and dominate or abuse human women, those who claim to be Spirit-led while their behavior is ego-driven.
Exploiters - but they're not instantly identifiable. Any coven might ask students to take a turn bringing consumable supplies like candles or cookies. Teaching covens may have monetary expenses, such as photocopying or rental for a meeting room -- and it's entirely reasonable for them to charge dues and cover their costs from the common purse thus created. There is some debate in our community about whether a Craft teacher should accept payment for their time and work. This is a matter of opinion, but you can be sure that a teacher who takes payment is not practicing Traditional Witchcraft.
It's also fair for a teacher or coven to ask you to do your share of set-up and clean-up, or of ongoing coven projects. But if some coven leader expects you to work free in their profit- making business, or act as their domestic servant, run screaming out the door.
People who order you to go against your values. Again, this involves some subtle issues. One of the major goals of spiritual development is to learn to hear the still, small inner voice. But some of our inner directives are actually cultural or familial programming. These prescriptions and prescriptions may also be wise, or they may be limiting, or actually evil (consider racial prejudice). They often drown out the voice of authentic Spirit. The best teachers will gently challenge their students to override outworn programming, but never to go against core values. The issue of readiness is also important. If you try to override even the nastiest old programming before you are ready, you might cause a painful backlash. This psychological trauma can actually retard your progress. Beware of insensitive autocrats who try to force all their students into the same Procrustean bed. Don't ever let anybody pressure into doing anything - in or out of Circle - that you believe is wrong. In ritual, we speak to our deepest minds, establishing the moods and motivations that shape our lives. Don't ever do in token what you would not do in truth.

Compatibility issues

As polytheists, we celebrate diversity. Sacred diversity also shows itself in a wide range of variation among those covens that are ethical, competent and Spirit-led. You don't just want a good coven, you want one that is a good fit for your own talents, temperaments, inclinations and style. Here are some compatibility issues to consider:

Mixed gender or all female or male?
Size - the traditional maximum is thirteen, but quieter people may feel more comfortable in smaller groups. The average size of a coven is more like five or six.
Ritual style - ranges from highly formal and ceremonial to spontaneous and "shamanic."
Teaching style - they may have a highly structured curriculum or they may let their teaching be directed by student interest. If there is a prescribed curriculum, does it cover your particular interests?
Decision-making style - this can range from full consensus process through majority vote to parent-like benevolent dictatorship.
Time demands - good training requires the student's time and work. As the Craft matures, our notion of what a priest/ess needs to know has grown accordingly. Pacing makes a big difference -- we can either pack it in or stretch it out. Find out what a coven's typical time demands are, both for attendance and for homework. Figure out whether you can meet those demands while continuing to have a job, a family and a life.
Thealogical emphasis or focus: Goddess only, Goddess and God in balance, or full-blown polytheism? Any particular pantheon or historical or cultural emphasis?
Social contact - do you want your coven to also be a large part of your social life, or would you rather keep social and coven life mostly separate? (If your mate is not involved with the coven, you'll almost certainly prefer the latter.)

Summary

Coven-shopping is healthy for both covens and coveners. Meet as many covens and coven leaders as possible. Visit as many covens as you can before you commit to one. Remember as you weigh your choice that they are asking themselves remarkably similar questions about you -- and this is exactly as it should be. We all benefit when the best possible matches are made, for the coven process forms the leaders of the future -- and our Craft must ever survive.

Get to know the coven. Get to know the leaders. Coven participation is not just a simple transfer of knowledge or skill -- it is socialization into a small, closely-bonded community of priest/esses. So one final question sums up all the issues we've looked at so far. Do you want to become more like these people? If so, ask them if they will have you as their student. And may the Gods guide your Path to Their service.

by Judy Harrow
updated: February 16, 2000; � 2000, by Judy Harrow
the address of this page is: www.draknet.com/proteus/Findcovn.htm

Spirit Flame Tradition of The Craft